Good Ol' Family Council

 Family councils are something that our church leaders have told us to do. We have had family councils sporadically in our own home, and when we tried to set an exact time for family counseling, it wasn’t a habit so it usually fell through.  Sad, I know.  But, I want to do better.  And after our latest experience with family council, I'm a believer!

Frustrations Escalate

Our family attends the ward choir, not really because everyone wants to, but because the choir needs our voices.  The ward choir is something that I have felt strongly that we should participate in as a family.  I have had difficulty with trying to get everyone on board.  Because Stephen is trying his best to support me in this, the girls pretty much have no choice because they are left at church anyways, so they might as will participate.  Lily has come to grips with this and has stopped complaining, but Amara has fought it every week, and has made her will known by several different means. Sometimes she would sit by me but would slump in the chair and mumble instead of sing, or purposely sing like a tone deaf monkey, sometimes she wouldn’t sing at all and would just sit silently, sometimes she’d curl up in a ball on the chair and pretend to fall asleep, and very rarely did she put any effort forth in trying to be a good choir member.  There was no punishment for her lack of participation, only a scolding if her behavior was too rude.  There was just an expectation that she would participate because her mother asked her to and because we were doing this as a family.  I’d do my best to ignore her groans, eye rolling, etc..  Instead of reprimanding, I'd politely ask her to sing with us, to no avail.  Sure, when we'd perform, she'd sing because everyone was watching, but week after week was an incessant complaint session followed by disrespectful and sometimes obnoxious behavior.

She would often use the excuse that she was hungry or tired, both of which were probably true, because we all feel that way after a three hour block meeting that begins at 11 and ends at 2pm. To stay an extra 45 minutes feels like a lifetime. I get that. Steve gets that.  Yet we plow through.  But when we would get home, it’s not like she would immediately grab food and take a nap. No! In fact, when I would get food out of the fridge for everyone to dish up, she would often refuse it because she was already busy doing something else and wasn’t interested in eating.  And the only nap takers are Steve and I, and only on occasion.  So, I thought if she brought a snack, that would solve the issue. We tried that for few weeks, it didn’t help, because that really wasn't the issue.

Last month, she decided to exert her will further by not sitting with the choir and sitting a few benches away just so everyone knew she was not going to participate. And, she did not just sit there, she would turn around and face the choir and make a grimacing face and glaring eyes at me. I would ignore her evil looks and periodically motion for her to sit by me and with all the friendliness I could muster I’d encourage her to come sing with us.  She’d slowly and emphatically shake her head “NO,” and turn her back on me (and the choir) for around 60 seconds, then start the shenanigans all over again. It was rude. It was distracting.  It was embarrassing, and she knew it.

 I wanted to explode on her. I wanted to drag her out of those choir seats and lecture her till tears ran down her face. I wanted her to feel as bad as she was making me feel. But, I recognized that those lines of action would not be consistent with my beliefs and would land me on the floor repenting and regretting it all. But, I also knew I couldn’t just sit there anymore and ignore it. We had to talk about it. And it wasn’t just her that needed to talk. Our entire family needed it.

We got home from church and did our normal thing. Time went by and we were having a calm Sunday evening, everyone absorbed in their own device, alone, watching things and listening to things that didn’t exactly set this day apart from any of the others. It bothered me to see our Sabbath observance being something that only happened when mom "made us do it."  Yet, I was to be held responsible at the judgement bar of God for teaching my children to walk in the ways of righteousness and teaching wasn't something I was doing.  I was ignoring things because it was easier to not teach one more thing, and I felt alone, and I was either lazy or procrastinating or both.  Guilt trip.

Family Council

That’s when I decided it was time for a family council.  Of course, when I called the family together no one really wanted to do it, me included.  I just knew it needed to be done.  The kids dragged their feet and attitudes onto our king-sized bed (where the council would be held), assumed they were in trouble, and Steve sluggishly stowed his device away.  I began the council by stating there is a problem going on with with our Sabbath day observance and with Amara's participation in choir practice.  I wanted solutions and no one was in trouble.  I started asking questions to get the ball rolling, to get people to talk and put in their two cents.  It took some time for everyone to be comfortable ready to talk about things, but when they did start talking and sharing their souls with one another, we were finally able to make progress as a family!

We needed that talk to be able to get anywhere.  I asked Amara straight out what we could to so that she would want to come and participate in choir willingly, without complaint, every week. She said that Sundays are so boring and if she had something to look forward to like playing Star Stables computer game for one hour, then that would help.  I shouted, "Hallelujah!"  Yes, literally.  I held out my hand for her to shake and said "Done!"  It was a deal! She raised her eyebrows at me like she did not expect it to be that easy. She knew the rules against playing computer games on Sunday and so assumed it would be out of the question.

I remember our Stake President talking about how the Sabbath Day should be a delight and what that means. He had 10 children.  Do you think they went home after church and wrangled the kids to open their scriptures and read until bedtime?  Anyone with children knows that such a task would turn the Sabbath into drudgery, not delight.  And, it actually would be near impossible to have successful scripture study under such circumstances.  To "rest from our labors" for children might actually mean going outside to jump on a trampoline for half an hour with their siblings, or in our case, playing the Star Stables computer game for an hour.

Let me tell you, there was a lighter feeling among all of us sitting on our bed as a consensus was made. Our council lasted close to an hour, and Steve expressed how time is going too fast, and he wanted to go on dates with his girls each week!  So much good came out of this family council that I wish we had done it sooner! Now we can attend choir without complaints.  Now, the girls get to spend quality time each week with one of the earth's finest men, their daddy.  We've made some great changes and I now have a testimony of the importance and goodness that comes from family council.

Farkle is a game Steve and the girls played for a date night.  They had so much fun with it that the next night, when I was around, they wanted to play it all together.  It really was fun!  Steve may have broken the record for how many times in a row he threw a Farkle!